marlene mountain
one-line haiku sequence
march-april 1983
too much pain they keep saying
(a journal/one-line haiku sequence)
(3/9-12/83)
just a little after hello he says i've got something
good to know
four-letter words
for church affiliation admissions won't
list the goddess
two-hour wait
for a wheel chair ride
blood drawn i talk of women's ancient
powers
wires from
beneath my breasts to a machine
no primping in the white gown with blue
dots
private room
without privacy
tiny bed yet big enough for what we
would do
no view no
mountain
i make the water tower into the moon
goddess
explaining
everything again
brain scan just don't mess with my radical
ideas
a poem scratches
itself onto the paper
asthmatic down the hall sleeps for a
while
up again &
into another weird room
stuck hard by an unknown man calling
me sweetheart
a glimpse of
my insides
bed rolled beneath a bright light and
parked
more blood
whisked off
my bones on a screen technician reads
a magazine
roll over stand
up lie down wait
do you feel this do you feel this do
you feel
awakened by
pain
a nurse's eyes rub my arm
gotten up too
early
another test just go & return no
questions
discussed in
the doctor's class
the good news and the bad news nothing
to remove
one lesion
the wait for another
back into my jeans and boots a m.s.
suspect
toward home
in snow
groceries pills and scotch
scotch &
night
finally sun pours through the covered
window
a kid-made
sandwich
funny fingers look for the right keys
to press
the hell with
poems just to write
(3/13/83)
no a poem to write even if in jibberish
sloshing so-so
scotch
again a cigarette dives into my lip
disabled the
word sinks in
looking up her long-name disease first
manilla envelope
dr bills
what to say to friends their own shit
to deal with
why not me
[in this fucked up world]
in the hospital holding hands thinking
penetration
my way-in insides
ok really
no silent lesions or something like
that to the brain
not ready even
for the encyclopedia
phone book govt agencies services departments
socialism capitalism
bad jokes on women
sisterhood i don't know don't know
don't know
women our internal
forgotten as primacy
not listening if it's said i don't write
haiku nowdays
haikuism scirrhus
schism
gonna tell the dr it's art when i can't
pay
beyond satori
dear friend this is printed material
printed material
update not
intrusion
you know me by now tough
into women's
stuff
(3/23/83)
pain beyond legal dope illegal dope
soothed by
someone younger
home with what i got not knowing what
i got
pill-sized
& pill-shaped
nothing quite does it until the last
drink
blu rrrr
too much pain they keep saying for m.s.
need a word
to hold onto
wait & see i am waiting wait &
i am
morning noon
and night
maybe i'm inventing a new disease
owwwwwwwwwwww
s t
o n e d
hear my poems
saying something more than art
calling a pain
a pain
hands why don't you do what i say
dr's answering
service
everywhere especially everwhere
goofy
last year at this time
i ain't done
writin
nor painting nor loving nor sawing logs
nor hurtin
unknown unnamed shit-pain disease comes
on hard
2 days dosage
left then what
(3/25/83)
cloudy
how do i feel
pretty much fuck-up
first the quality of life no the quality
of art
neither both
oh emily don't cry when i cry
sleeping on
the torn sheet
(3/30/83) (a vision with cindy)
hands on my hair flowing trance
to reach the
demon
oh oh it's real ugly real ugly
swimming in
bed
find a good place a safe place
tree
tiny root hairs attaching to my hands
arms
pulling draining
get out mean-shit stuff get out
can't do all
at once
yes just some just some get out go away
laughing
(3/31/83)
late night carol singing woman's song to me
disappearing
into daze
morning popcorn bowl kernels in bed
how did i but
i did
not going all the way with you
even deeper
but ummmm watch out next time grrrrr
fuck renga
rules 3 in a row if i want
leaps happen when least expected art
do frogs know
intrigued by disability why go back
to ability [sic]
well right
now half-assed
neither nor eenie-meenie jack-of-no-trades
find an editor
helps but i can
say it
(4/1/83)
can't spend all my days flat nights scotched
glimmer of
hope fades
there are women saying shit
even polite
women
(4/6/83)
wiped out from being wiped out
rich [ ]
says apply for food stamps
another meal without salt
can't make
out my late night handwriting
* * * * *
born with m.s. something brings it on
whole life
stress
the last year pushing double
can't get lid
off
slowly fixing the doorknob
no job either
irony of old poem wouldn't go past the
mailbox
to button the
button
why aren't you here tonight
don't want
to write nothin in the journal
fear of painting gonna tho
(4/7/83)
softly she washes my hair
goes w/grocery
list
sound of your truck meet you at the
door
not long our
clothes off
pull out lost sight of the moon
bathe me tickle
my toes
(4/10/83)
lot to show for my life
[ ]
i wasn't a brat
not even supposed to sweat now
we love anyway
gay calls from ca his altar to/for me
not just women
brainwashed to penis
what is our level if allowed to be human
holistic gonna
find out
4 years your touch still wetness
stick with
that
* * * * *
he wanted so much fishing tv baseball etc
did it but
what to say about john in a poem
a teacher of
old things
unable to understand the new angry woman
gotta be done
babe or else
biggest jolt a woman understanding
patriarchy
bed kitchen
dare you john man woman god read mary
daly
crosslegged
nonthinking years back
then hell (just a cussword) how obvious
it is
(4/12/83)
on top of it all laid off
(4/13/83)
did i tell you beat my kid arm wrestling
couple chords
banjo make sense now
yet ain't remission can't drive tho
maybe
up 4:30 or
6 mail at noon
yogurt milk banana lecithin c crystals
slug it
fresh spinach
like newsprint
some words written under some sort of
influence
figure it out
tell me
* * * * *
crazy poems
collect call
from subdued hysterical woman
we can talk
* * * * *
did i tell you planning my next painting
half spiritual
half protest
minimal sure but times they have a changed
aren't we angry
bout stuff
long time not able to get into mind
tearoom
maybe good
idea since all this
how ever kids need to see us give system
hell
columbus what
a prick
* * * * *
did i tell you me & ladies not supposed to
sweat
women gotta
(4/16/83)
in the dark i believe you are listening
my ejaculation
of tears
ok you say to write it out whatever
too personal
obscure
decent folks with decent problems subjected
hell of a note
but just can't keep inside
early music
your fingers
(4/17/83) (a vision)
all day in bed hurting
self-visualization
tiny paper mint cup on table
a spoon appears
fill cup with spine gunk & pain
fill another
yes yes another and more
oooooh good
* * * * *
dammit tho weird stuff in my legs
don't you dare
weird stuff
get outta there i mean it you hear
dammit i said
git
* * * * *
hey drive my car done it done it
whee
then back to bed
energizing
not out of the woods yet
(love the woods)
greening on the mountain
in the mountain